If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
