38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I looked at my own cervix.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
