this boner is exhausting
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
