Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
