I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
