The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
