Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm always down for nudity.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
