I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize