Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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