why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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