I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
