He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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