So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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