I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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