I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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