don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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