Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
