you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So. Much. Porn.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
