if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
