you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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