my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
