I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
