Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
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