The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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