if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
