i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
what day is it and did you see me today?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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