3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
