Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
