both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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