I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
