I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
