Ambien. No doubt about it.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
