I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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