My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Boobs speak an international language.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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