White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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