Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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