Can Purell be used as lube?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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