If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
