He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
