i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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