you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
