you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
