Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Is it because I queefed?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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