he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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