I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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