if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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