Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
