Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
