She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
