this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
