"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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