We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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