Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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