Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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