I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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