i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize