i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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