um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
