im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
