Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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